Only shadows remain the same
by Smiling demon
Summary: FEEL THE ANGST!
1. Prolouge

**Prologue**

Sunset in the wastelands. The night slowly devours the day, suffocating it in her darkness and pain. It seems to last for ages. As if the darkness wishes to prolong the suffering. As if it wishes to prove its superiority, to tell the people that they are lost, yet again. The strong east wind starts to blow. The sands are shifting in a constant pace, nothing unchanged.

As the night fell in Spargus city, all of its inhabitants were far asleep. It has been a long and hard day. All of their days pass so. In tough labor, fighting for their very lives, for the desert never forgives, nor forgets. They deserve the rest, for only there are they safe.

The lights of the palace are put out, all but one. It shines so brightly, as a single star on a clouded night sky. The silk curtains dance on the wind. As if they had a mind of their own. The light on the curtains forms a strong figure, sitting upon the edge of the balcony. His back tightly settled on the wall which connects the cold night with the warmth that waits inside. Emerald and gold fringes violently trashing about, as if they are protesting against the air stream. Indigo eyes shimmer in the dark. One tear forms and slowly falls down his face, forming a trace of stardust. Another one follows, and another, until they formed a river of pain. His cries soon turned into howls, echoing bluntly through the air, for everyone to hear. But, no one cared, as always he was alone. His body starts to tremble out of fear and despair. A falling star lit the sky for a moment. He didn't have the time to make a wish. He never has.

The wind starts blowing harder, carrying word from the east.

All of his senses were overwhelmed by the smell it brought, the scent of death and decay. His eyes widened in terror as he realized what had happened. The eastern barrier was lost, plagued with the enemy. They lost again. The images of the eastern regions in fire, women and children screaming, men running into battle only to be slain a few moments later. Images of pure destruction and chaos floated above him. He opened his mouth to let lose one scream. It echoed through the city, hitting every wall and multiplying. Oh how he wished someone was here now. He wished she was here.

He stepped of the edge and went into his room, all clad in crimson, the color of blood, one he knew so well. A large bed stood in the middle, undone, for he never sleeps well. His nightmares always haunt him, the faces of all the people he killed or could not save. From tonight there will be even more of them. He slowly laid into the bed, curling up in almost a fetal position.

He missed her; he yearned for her so badly. But somehow he knew that there was more to this than her, there was something else. He needed it even more. But he didn't know what it was. He fell asleep with these thoughts, maybe in his dreams his answers will come.


	2. The acceptance

There was once a mighty king who feared nothing and no one, but himself. He defeated the dreaded hora-quan, the dark makers, Errol, and the blood beasts, the most horrid of them all. These stories are well known to you, so I will tell you a different one. I will tell you the real story of Mar, much greater than all the others, much darker and filled with pure pain. There was much thought of how he lived and when his log was found a surprise was installed for all. For no one guessed his story to be so. Even today people wonder how one can endure such pain and torment without anyone knowing it. He truly was the only true king we have ever acknowledged. Here is his diary:

**The acceptance:**

_Monday, 23rd, month of the falling leaves, year of rebirth_

To all who don't know me, my name is Mar, but my friends call me Jak. The king of the Wasteland and son of the great warrior Damas. This log is being written only with one purpose, so that the world after knows what happened here, so they don't blame me for all the dire things that occurred, all the homes destroyed, all the lives lost. For, I am not yet fit to be the king, and I will never be. Too much hatred is there in me, and although they say I've changed, they are wrong. Nothing ever changes. It may take a different form, but its essence is the same.

What happened after Errol's defeat? Nothing good. After much thought the Spargus council named king. They said it was my birth right and there was nothing that could change it. I protested off course, knowing nothing good could come out of my crowning. But they disagreed. I think it was because no one else wanted to take the responsibility that being king brought. So I sat on the throne without my will. The chair seemed so large, and cold. The only thing I hoped for was that there will be no more enemies. It is a lot easier when you are alone, when you fend for yourself, and only for yourself. But in truth, I was never really alone, Dax was there. Not anymore. I remember the day he left. Instead of a warm goodbye, we separated in quarrel. Ashlin had left me too, even before Dax. Why it happened I don't know. I'll write it here so one day maybe someone understands and tells me. But… by then, I'll already be dead. So what is the use? Maybe I'm writing this for the sole sake of writing, or maybe cause I have no one to tell it to.

I remember the night after Errol's defeat. Oh how I awaited it. Ashlin came to my room, silently as a cat; she was unarmed and practically naked. A slight smile was settled on her face, one like I never saw before. She slowly stepped towards me, her hips shifting from side to side in an almost liquid motion. Just the look of her made me crazy. She pushed me onto the bed forcing me to sit as she leisurely sat in my lap. Here she was, in my arms, all I have grappled for, the thing I wished for a long time.

'Hello, tiger! It seems we are alone, at last…'

She arched towards pinning her lips against my own. And I kissed her back. But something was wrong, very wrong. I felt as if I betrayed someone. She pulled my hand under her shirt, breaking the kiss when noticed that I wasn't playing back.

'What's the matter?' I looked at her trying to pretend everything was okay, trying to hide it. The only problem was that I didn't know what I was trying to cover. She read me instantly. Sometimes it seems that others know me better than I know myself, and that scares me.

'It's him, isn't it?'

She sighed.

'It's always him. Little Daxter. Why do you play this way Jak? Why didn't you just tell me that you… you love him?'

Her voice lowered at the last few words. I didn't know; I didn't love him, did I? Life was so confusing, I couldn't make heads or tails out of it, and it wasn't getting any easier.

'I… I don't love him.'

Somehow I knew I was lying,

'Don't try to make a fool of me Jak! Hph, even though you already did.'

'I love you, you know that…'

'I do. But you love him even more and I can't stand being second.'

'I will change…'

'No Jak, you won't, everything remains the same. Remember? You said it yourself.'

It's funny how sometimes you lose because the things you said, not others.

'Goodbye Jak. And for all it's worth, I love you, and I always will.'

She turned one more time before she stepped out of the room. She left silently as she came, leaving me alone in the dark. I stood there for what seemed to me like hours, I just couldn't confess she had left for good. That is the hardest thing when someone leaves you, admitting they are gone, sadly I knew the feeling to well. I haven't seen her since. Some say she married Torn but I didn't pay any attention to rumors. If she has, good for her, she deserves someone better than me.

But as they say, from everything bad comes something good. That night I finally realized what I was hiding for all these years. Trying to cut it out off my life, but it always lurked around me. Suddenly I remembered all the looks he gave me, the little signals that should have made me understand that he loved me. He knew that deep inside me there was that special place in my heart, and it was reserved for him. But I didn't know it. Gradually he stopped giving me wild glances, I remember he changed somehow. Oh god, why didn't I realize this sooner, how much torment did he endure? I'll make it up for him, 'cause now I know that I love Daxter, and I love him so purely and completely. Nothing could stand between us, nothing at all.


	3. The cold shower

**The cold shower:**

_Tuesday, 24th, month of falling leaves, year of rebirth_

The next day I rushed to Haven city leaving my councilors in shock. I'm known for being rash but never like this. My heart was beating a hundred times per minute as the FL flyer set down in the port. I didn't wait the doors to open, I busted them open. The sound of my boots hitting, abusing the metal floor echoed through the docks for it was only dawn. I hadn't slept a bit the previous night. I was to busy thinking what will I say to Dax when I see him. Did I mention the fur ball decided he and Tess be turned to humans again? No? Okay, now you know.

As I rampaged through the Naughty Otssel door I woke him up.

'Dax? Where are you buddy? DAX? I need to tell you something really important!'

A couple of moments later I saw him staggering down the stairs, dressed in his bright red pajamas. Man did he look cute in those. Did I just say that? Yes, I did. It feels… good. It feels good to finally accept yourself for what you are and not what people tell you.

'You outta yer brains Jak! If you didn't know, NORMAL people have a habit of sleeping in 5.30 in the morning… Wtf!'

Before he could finish his sentence I grabbed him around his waist and kissed him. With every second passing I pulled him closer to me, felling his body gradually relax in my arms. Man this felt good. For the first time I felt my life had a purpose and it was to love him. His body went completely limp in my arms as he gave himself completely in my kiss. He kissed me back, gently, passionately in a way only he knows. The moment seemed to last for an eternity, or at least I wished it did.

I let him go first, breaking our kiss of pure obsession. Slowly I opened my eyes to see his face. A wide smile upon it, his eyes still closed as if he were dreaming something beautiful and didn't want to end it.

'Man Jak, that felt really good…'

He finally looked at me with his azure blue eyes, lids fluttering gently. I never noticed how beautiful his eyes were.

'Mmmm… that was really… good? What the fuck! Jak! You kissed me! How, what, where…'

Not the reaction one was hoping for. He tore himself further away from me.

'Dax, I… I'm… I love you.'

He stretched his eyes in surprise, mouth wide open, lips trying to form any kind of a word, anything at all.

'I love you with all my heart.'

His eyes filled with the gentlest emotion of them all, I knew, he loved me back. Still, after all these years, he loved me.

'Jak, I love you to…'

'Then move back to Spargus with me.'

He turned his head away from me.

'No.'

'What?'

'Jak, it's not that simple anymore.'

'What? I'm the same, you're the same, everything's the same…'

He looked back at me, angry, for still I was like a child. Not realizing that things never remain the same.

'IT'S NOT THE SAME! Why do you do this to me! Why do you torment me so? Why did you have to find it in your heart to love me, why NOW!'

'Dax, what are you talking about?'

'Open yer eyes Jak! You're the king now! You can't be running around screwing me! Besides, I've got a life know, one that isn't fucked up I might add!'

He turned his back on me. I saw him cross his arms. I could imagine his face, buck teeth sinking into his lip, until it starts to bleed.

'I'll quit being king. Sig'll take my place. We'll manage to do something. I know we will, we're a team remember?'

I walked to him and put my arm on his shoulder.

'There is nothing to do Jak, you can't run away from who you are…'

'I won't be running away. I'm the person who loves you.'

'No Jak, I can't live like this, not anymore. Hasn't it been enough? We both know you have to be the king, and a king can't have a… boyfriend.'

'I'm the king; I can do what ever I please!'

'Quit it Jak, it ain't gonna work!'

He walked up the stairs.

'It's over, what ever we could have had, is lost. Only our friendship remains. I'm sorry you haven't realized any of this sooner.'

'What? You ain't the type of person who gives up!'

'Well sorry to disappoint you, but people change. Take what I have to give you or…'

'Your friendship isn't enough.'

I saw him shudder in the dark.

sigh 'Then leave.'

'That's all you have to say! All of the years we've been friends and that is all you have to say!'

I stormed out of the bar and sat in front of it, leaning my back on the cold metal wall. The cold reminded me all of this was real, even when I hoped it to be a bad dream. I hoped I'll wake up in the morning and all would be fine. But I wasn't of that luck.

Somehow I knew he wouldn't come after me. I heard him cry, for hours.


	4. When walls come closing in

**When walls come closing in:**

_Wednesday, 25th, month of the falling leaves, year of rebirth _

After a few hours sitting in front of the bar, thinking if what I did was right, if I had made thing even worse by leaving him, I decided to return to the palace. The people passed in front of me more often, staring at me like I was some kind of a hobo. Some of them even stopped in front of me and stared, nodding their heads and making sounds of sympathy or disapproval. I never raised my head to look at them; I didn't see them worthy of my gaze. No, I'm lying; I didn't want them to see the tears falling down my face, mixed with rage and fear. It's strange how the two emotions always come together, like if they are dependent of each other, like… like me and Dax.

Figures entering the Naughty Otssel, stupid little people, obsessed with their petty little lives, with insignificant things like what to wear, where to eat, who to go out with, who to live with, who to love… All of a sudden their lives had more meaning than my own, still I hated them. Maybe because they had all the things I wished for so badly, because they were given a chance to live their lives as they wished, not as it was chosen for them.

A little kid stepped in front of me and bent down to face me.

'Why are you crying mister?'

His eyes blazed like both of our Suns together.

'Nothing kid, I'm not crying, everything is all right.'

'Then why are your eyes red and your face dripping. My face is always dripping when I cry; my mom told me my face would melt if I continued crying, so I stopped. I don't want my face to melt; I don't know where I would get a new one.'

I laughed my first good laugh in a very long time. The kid was really nice.

'Don't worry, my face won't melt, trust me.'

'Then you're special, like Mar was?'

'I guess I am.'

'Wow, when I grow up I want to be just like him.'

'You don't say…'

A woman ran in front of me grabbing the child, she probably thought I was about to hurt him, people always judge things by what they seem not by what they are. I raised my head to look at her but I only saw her eyes widening in fear.

'MONSTER! There is a monster in the port! Guards help us!'

Soon after I realized I had begun to take my dark beast form. It has become more frequent, and I never knew it has happened; it scared the shit out of me.

The FL guard was quick to take action, Ashlin trained them well. Soon the whole area was filled with tall people in blue armor. One of them grabbed me by the arm and turned me around to face him.

'Lord Jak, I mean king Mar!'

'Leave me alone, I can find the flyer to home myself.'

He immediately let me lose. All the people were staring at the incident, and they had begun to talk. Shortly after people came out of the bar to see what had happened, episodes are rare here since Ashlin took charge. More and more people came, forming a circle around me, and Dax was there, looking at me with shock, almost pitying. I looked at him back and turned around entering the flyer. The door closed, closing with it a part of my life.


End file.
